loose string

"One-way streets and square one, The answers don't come from any one direction"

 

I hesitate to jinx it, but I appear to be pulling up out of this latest funk.  Maybe it is the sunshiney day, maybe it is the support of a good friend, I am not sure but I will certainly not look this particular gift horse in the mouth.  

 

posted by: loosestring at 12:21 | link | comments (2) |

Sunshine, blue skies, please go away

The secret is learning how to wade through all of the bad and find a little patch of dry happy space to rest upon.  To wait it out and to know that it will pass.  This wave of bad feeling.  I am feeling a bit better but still disappointed because the pills don't work and now I am broken again and I have to maybe take some new shiny pills full of promise and no  more cloudy days.  Actually I can handle cloudy, it's the eclipses that do me in.

posted by: loosestring at 12:13 | link | comments |

Leave Me The Way You Found Me

I am in the middle of an unwieldy number of life changes.  I am moving, ending a relationship and beginning a new one.  I have taken my crazy to the doctor's for care.  I am processing a lifetime of shame and feelings of inadequacy.  Dredging all of the bits buried in the silt, far far down and pushed away.  It feels good and it feels bad all at the same time.  It makes me scared and anxious and tired.  In fact, a prolonged nap might be in order but that is not going to happen any time soon.  Too much going on to take the time out.

posted by: loosestring at 10:43 | link | comments |

The Chirping of 1000 Crickets

I am afraid to admit that the noise in my head is getting louder.  Not all the time, but when it comes it wails.  Today sounded a lot like the crescendo that closes "You Can't Always Get What You Want".  It feels scary.  I keep thinking that if I explain how bad it is that it will mean I am really crazy. 

Some of the compulsions to self-harm are back.  Not the hands on a hot stove, just the pins in my wrists.  I know I won't do it but sometimes it seems like such a reasonable thing to do before I realize how unreasonable it is.  I also came up with a suicide plan with just the right amount of drama and a minimal amount of mess.  There is no real call to use the plan, it is just comforting to know that there is a plan.  One less thing to think about.

Have no fear, there are a number of mental health professionals on the job.

posted by: loosestring at 23:25 | link | comments (1) |

So, then things got a little worse for awhile, as they sometimes need to do before they get better.

 

posted by: loosestring at 13:50 | link | comments |

I suppose it is inevitable that I should transfer my complicated relationship with my father onto my relationship with my son.  Inevitable and yet oh so predictable.  Must do something to correct that.  Stat.

posted by: loosestring at 02:07 | link | comments |

There is this image that soothes me and I can't really explain why.  When I get overloaded emotionally, I picture opening a vein and letting all of the unhappiness run out.  Sound strange but it makes me calm.

posted by: loosestring at 01:10 | link | comments |

I am a little bit broken

Let us try this offline for a little while. 

posted by: loosestring at 03:02 | link | comments |

if you try some time

One morning about seven years ago I woke up very hungover.  This was not an entirely unique state of waking for me.  I spent most evenings drinking and most mornings recovering from drinking and most days preparing for the evening of drinking .  What made this particular hangover notable was that I found myself in jail.  All of the trouble and pain and unhappiness from which I had been running had finally come to an inevitable and ugly head.   I was in a lot of trouble and I had no choice but to deal with my problems.

Sobriety did not come easy.  There is a long and twisted path that led to this place where I find myself today.  Seven years - give or take - of living one day at a time, making the next right choice and trying to get it right.  I am still trying to get it right.  I fail daily in that effort but I keep trying.

Perhaps the hardest thing about getting sober is trying to mend the hearts and regain the trust of the people who loved you in spite of yourself.  Facing the consequences of your oblivion and selfishness.  Finding the ability to forgive yourself.  Knowing that the only fix is not repeating your mistakes.  It takes a while to get past the shame and the self loathing.

I am a lucky person.  I got to have my moment of humiliation in relative obscurity.  The only people I had to answer to were my family.  I fell hard but there were no cameras rolling. 

When I see a person in pain, in the same sort of self destructive pain with which I am familiar, I want to wrap that person up and take them some place calm and quiet and maybe make them some soup.  

posted by: loosestring at 23:53 | link | comments (5) |

Code Blue

Is there an illness, a for-real and certifiable illness, that displays with the primary symptoms being general crankiness, a lack of give-a-shit and a slightly sore throat?  If so, I need to know the name.  I am hopeful that I can spin my three month bout with said disease into some sort of disability claim.  I need to be in my home, I am not fit for work and the only known cure is a month on a most deserted isle followed by a series of treatments involving happy elves showing up at my house and performing for my amusement. 

Anyone?

posted by: loosestring at 10:25 | link | comments (6) |